Last week, a friend told me that the man she'd been casually seeing had told her that he had a girlfriend. She rang me wanting to know what she should do. She liked him and he had implied that he'd leave his girlfriend for her. Sitting her down for an earnest chat, I told her to RUN LIKE HELL.
You see, not so long ago I had a lengthy relationship with someone who already had a long-time girlfriend. Ouch.
It's painful to admit for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that I willingly and knowingly hurt several people who had done nothing to deserve it. I compromised my own morals for selfish reasons. Moreover, I lost the once-unbreakable respect I had for myself and as a result, my confidence.
I'm not even going to begin to attempt to excuse myself from my part in this whole sordid affair. I did what I did and it was wrong. Looking back, my reasons for doing so were entirely selfish. Richard was someone that I wanted, who led me to believe that he wanted me and a future with me. That I didn't put a stop to it sickens me and makes me question my own moral judgement. Not only did we hurt his girlfriend, I also hurt my well-meaning family and friends who questioned our oh-so-evident intimacy.
I always swore that I'd never be the 'other woman'. With the benefit of 20/20 hindsight, I can see that it's a philosophy to which I should have stuck. In addition to the amount of pain an affair causes to all involved, being the other woman is not fun.
To begin with, you must accept that you will be made the pariah when the truth comes out (which it inevitably will). It's a sad but true fact that women are nearly always prepared to believe the worst about one another. Yes, I absolutely did the wrong thing in having a relationship with this man, but at the same time I wasn't the one going home to my girlfriend, telling her that I loved her and agreeing to marry her, whilst laughing telling my mistress that the idea 'made me feel ill' and that it would 'never happen'. Nice guy, huh?
However, I can see his girlfriend's logic in all of this - if you'd spent close to a decade with someone, wouldn't you prefer to write off his infidelity as the work of a scarlet woman rather than something he actively pursued?
As the other woman, my self-esteem suffered shockingly - after all, I couldn't be that great if he kept going home to someone else, could I? Similarly, Richard would make repeated jibes, faintly disguised as humour, that made me feel awful about myself. I realise now that this was his way of keeping me close. If he couldn't have me publicly, he'd make me feel so low that no one else could either. Furthermore, I wasn't able to be close to anyone. I couldn't risk telling any of my friends for fear it would get out and as a result, many close friendships suffered.
After ending the relationship, I realised that I had been sad for most of the time I was involved with him. Sad because I apparently wasn't good enough for him (despite his assurances that he was going 'do something about it'), sad because I couldn't share the excitement of a new person in my life and sad because I was lying to most everyone I knew. How on earth could that ever be construed as a good situation?
I am not proud of my involvement in the whole sorry affair. I'm not proud to have played a part in hurting others as well as myself. Nevertheless, I will continue to tell this story, not to seek sympathy or to portray myself as the wronged woman, but because if it drops the scales from at least one woman's eyes, then I believe it to be worth it.
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2 comments:
It'a amazinf that I am seeing this post almost a year later and I am in the same situation. I met B at work. If I am to be honest with myself I lusted after him for nearly 3 years and I would secretly hope that we would run into each other at some point. It finally happened and he started visiting me in the office every morning. I honestly do like his company and he was honest enough to tell me that he has a girlfriend. I promised we would never cross the line but one day we kissed and we liked it.
Right now it is the early stages of a friendship one that I don't want to lose but I am lonely so I see him filling a gap until I find someone...am I bad ?
Hi there, and thanks for stopping by.
Things are never black and white when it come to relationships. You're not bad, although the fact that you're asking (like I did), tells me that you have misgivings about it. There's nothing wrong with having a crush on someone, but there is if pursuing it means that you value yourself less.
Relationships, particularly illicit ones, are thrilling and exciting and all consuming in the initial stages. At the moment you say that you're only 'filling a gap' until you find someone else, but what if you fall for this guy? I always thought Richard was going to leave his girlfriend so I wasn't 'looking' for anyone else, but even if I had been, I was so consumed by him that no one would have ever come close.
No one can tell you what to do here. But if I were back in that situation again, the first question I'd ask myself is 'Am I happy?' If so, great. If not, be honest with yourself and move on.
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