To tell or not to tell

The beauty of writing an anonymous blog is exactly that - it's anonymous. With the exception of perhaps 5 people who know my real name, to the world I am merely Miss Diarist. They have no pre-conceived notions of how I should behave and therefore won't judge me. Even if they do, it has no bearing on how I function in the 'real world'. It is for these reasons that I've been able to be so candid about my previous relationships, particularly relating to Dick. Things I'd never dream of disclosing to people I see daily, I disclose to you.

And so it was that I struggled with the idea of telling Tom about this blog. What to do?

I didn't want to have secrets from him as we've both been incredibly honest about ourselves from the beginning. He knows about Richard and I know about his past relationships. Perhaps it's being secure in ourselves, but there's nothing we can't ask each other. So why did I feel such trepidation about telling him of the blog?

For one, I wondered if I would have to censor myself if I told Tom about it. It's one thing to be honest with each other, it's another thing to read about your girlfriend's sexploits with former partners. I know I wouldn't want a blow-by-blow (so to speak) account of every encounter he has ever had with other women, but yet I also don't want to stop writing. There's so much value attached to self-expression.

I've also written of those of fallen for before. Granted, I've never fallen like I have now (on revision, I would say I've merely tripped), but I'd not want Tom to think that these even begin to equate with what I feel for him. Because they don't.

In the end, I told him. I couldn't stand keeping things from him and also, dammit, I am proud of this blog. Time and energy have gone into it and some bloody brilliant friendships have evolved from it. The things that are on here happened before I knew Tom and in a sense they've made me who I am now, the girl he fell in love with.

Lucky for me then that he doesn't mind. I've asked him several times if he wants to read the blog and each time the answer has been no. Strangely enough, for the exact same reasons that I've articulated above.

That's not to say he isn't curious, though. We were speaking about the blog on the weekend and he asked me what I'd been writing about recently.

'Oh, you know, relationships, friendships, sex.'
'Sex? You mean... you don't... not about us?'
'No. Definitely no!'

Needless to say, there are things about our relationship that are sacred and will never appear on here.

When you've got that trust and (everybody say awww now) love, some things just aren't worth risking.