Yesterday was Dad's birthday and all the family gathered around. Sat around our dining table eating and fighting over gravy allocations were Mum and Dad, Anna and Dave and Tom and I.
It was the first time that we had all been together since the family wedding in Sydney, so it was inevitable that there'd be a slight recap. After all, it was a wedding. Although we'd all had a few, surely between us we could remember the entire event if we just put our heads together?
I couldn't resist sharing the story about Grandpa and his apparent keenness to become a great-grandfather. This came as a surprise to Dad, but not to Mum. Oh no. For Gramps had been on the phone that very day.
"He said he's going to write a sign with a dollar amount on it and whoever pops out the first great-grandchild gets the money. He's calling it 'Granddad's baby bonus'."
He didn't.
He did.
This revelation made my jaw slack with shock.
It made Anna ask, 'how much?' (And shortly thereafter made her boyfriend Dave turn a peculiar shade of puce).
He was kidding, wasn't he? Mum didn't think so.
According to Mum, he asked her to gently encourage Tom and I to get busy as he doesn't think my cousin and his new wife will be breeding any time soon. Apparently they're 'too career focused'.
I suggested Anna as an alternative - she likes kids. She's a primary school teacher, for heavens' sake and has ben with Dave for almost 4 years. But according to Gramps, she is probably too young. Which means that I'm the only one left.
Bloody hell. I never thought I'd see the day that a bounty was placed on my womb.
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11 comments:
... but ... but ... you cannot oblige.
because there will, there really WILL come a year when The Child finds out about this hilarious family history story, and fixes you with a long hard evil accusatory stare: You had me for the money?
Go to Malawi - Madonna has paved the way.
Me and Michelle have been together for twenty-five years plus now, and not a sign of a sprog in sight. It's amazing what being careful and avoiding Catholiscism can contribute towards unsullied happiness.
i just cackled out loud. at 2 in the morning. interrupting the silence of the night.
like i said, your gramps is hilariously awesome.
course, not for you in this situation though. ;)
and to add to my guffaw, thanks to marshall-stacks response. nicely said.
you're a indeed bloody good writer, miss d. your words in this post is awesome.
Prostitution comes in many forms.
Too funny.
Your grandpa is hilarious.
Oh, gawd.
Can't you offer to knit him a practice one?
Well grandpa's reasoning means that you'll still be in the running when you're ready.
I'm sure you know the only reason to have a child is when you feel your life won't be complete without. Grandpa isn't going to be the one to get up endlessly during the night and feel the desperate fear when they aren't well.
Ha! Too funny. Still chuckling!
I plan never to have kids; I'm doing my bit to combat overpopulation - a threat which I consider as important as Climate Change.
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